A Working Mum: I’m Doing Too Much
The penny just dropped. I’m doing too much.
I know this is something most mothers will have thought at one time or another…I’m doing too much and not feeling like I’m doing any of it very well. Let me explain.
I’ve very fortunate that my employer has a flexible working policy for parents returning to work, and they approved the agreement I had with my manager to condense my hours. I’ve officially gone back 4 days a week, but since I only have three days of childcare I extend my hours during those days, and work during nap times on the remaining days so the hours add up overall. It sounds ideal right? It means at work I have availability 5 days a week, and nothing is left without my attention for too long (which is always a good idea when you work in public relations and communications).
The reality however, is that when childcare ends on Wednesday afternoon I’m on 24/7. I am in mum mode from the moment I log off, through the night (which still includes waking and feeding more often than not), and then getting up at whatever time Oscar deems appropriate to start the day. I’m with him (sometimes checking emails on my phone) until nap time at 12:30. The second he goes down my laptop is open and I’m busy catching up on emails, calls, and general work demands. I have to hope the naps last a minimum of 90 minutes, but 2 hours is preferable (3 hours is a dream!). The second he wakes up (which can be at any given moment), my work time is over and I’m straight back into mum mode feeding, playing, going out to classes, prepping dinner and everything else until bedtime again – when the night shift starts once more. The same thing happens all over again through Friday. And by Friday night, it’s no surprise, I’m usually at breaking point. I’m tearful, I’m tired, I’m at the end of my tether and I’m ready to give up my career, being a mum, and being a wife altogether.
It’s all just too much.
The penny finally dropped during a conversation with my husband the other night where we were wracking our brains for solutions to ease the pressures. No amount of trying is going to make this work. There has to be a change.
Option 1 is to add another day of childcare, I’d then work full days Mon-Thurs and can be switched off from career woman, and spend Friday solely in mum mode giving Oscar my full attention, and getting my own downtime during his nap time.
Option 2 is to reduce my hours back to three days a week. I’m then not pressured to work through nap times on Thursdays and Fridays, and can take a bit more respite and time to myself to do some exercise, or get into the garden.
Of course there are a host of cons to think about too: the decrease in income, or increase in childcare costs, the workload in my job aligning with less hours, the practicalities of saving less each month…
But the discussion also made me wonder who am I doing this current routine for anyway? Who is the one benefitting? Because it certainly doesn’t feel like anyone in this house is benefitting right now. The start of every weekend is a tossup between who needs some down time more, me or my husband (who works extremely hard in a crazy stressful job, in London most days). It’s not really fair on either of us, and it doesn’t make for a great household atmosphere to have us both so desperate come Saturday morning.
(don’t worry, my camera wasn’t on!)
Whilst either option above will definitely be a solution to the problem, I’m finding it is bringing an enormous amount of guilt and self-criticism up inside me too. Why can’t I do it all? Why am I finding it too much? Why have I failed?
The answer is, I’m human.
This sticks in my throat but I can admit it to you now, I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and condensing work hours in the way I planned just isn’t sustainable for me and my family. I am struggling, and in order to put my health and family first I have to make a change.
I realised I’ve been acting like this condensed hour agreement is my only option, and I have to just try and work out how to make it bearable, tolerable… heck I just have to find a way to survive. But I got it so wrong. Very rarely in life do we only have one option. I was the block between me and the other possibilities, I was narrow minded and hell bent on finding a way to ‘make it work’ and ‘have it all’. But there were always other options, to find them I just had to let my ego go.
I don’t judge other mums for working three days. So why am I being so critical and expecting myself to be able to do more? I don’t judge other mums for putting their kids in childcare 4, 5 or even more days a week. So why am I feeling like a failure if Oscar goes into childcare for one more day a week?
It’s been a really bizarre inner battle, and the inner critic and mean voice in my head has been particularly loud and persistent until now. But if I look at history I can see how change can have a positive impact and is ultimately the right decision.
When we were trying to conceive I was also condensing my hours at work – I worked a full time contract but longer days so I worked 4 days a week, and took Fridays off to start my own cake making business. It worked really well, I had time to make wedding cakes, attend photo shoots, build my websites, and prep for weekend wedding fairs. My plan was to grow it enough that once my maternity leave ended I could go into cakes full time and leave my corporate job. My business grew slowly with this routine, but at a cost.
I kept going and going, and for the most part enjoying the juggle even if it was full on. But when I had not one but two miscarriages, plus two surgical procedures within a few months I realised it might have been my body’s way of telling me I’d taken on too much, and to sustain a pregnancy successfully perhaps I needed to work a little less, and rest a little more. I wanted a baby and that became a priority. I made the heavy decision to stop building my cake business, and was fortunate that our next pregnancy gave us our rainbow baby boy.
Photography by https://www.lisapaynephotography.co.uk/
So I know that making a big change to our current routine, weather that be extra childcare or less hours working, will be a good decision. It is a change that is necessary and one that is right for me and my family.
Becoming a mum has meant my priorities have shifted, and perhaps this is the first time I’ve been tested on them. My family come first, not my career anymore.
Don’t get me wrong I love my job, and I’m incredibly proud of my career, and I’m good (no, I’m REALLY good) at what I do. And it’s also necessary financially that I work. But I cannot do it to a point that it’s at the expense of my health, my marriage and my family.
Photography by https://www.evelynmcnamara.com/
So I wanted to share these thoughts in this public blog because while some people may have no issues with deciding on a realistic childcare and career balance from the outset, there will be some who have struggled with returning to work. And for those who don’t know what hours to go back to, or maybe like me you’ve made a mistake and gone back to too much or too little, I hope reading this has given you some confidence to make a change, one that is right for you.
