An Open Letter To the Mother Who Miscarried

Dear Mother,

There are very few words that will bring you comfort in this moment. 

There are very few actions that will make things feel any better. 

There are very few sights that will distract you from the gut-wrenching pain you are feeling.

One day you were pregnant, and then the next it was over. 

No words can be written to resolve the feeling of your heart breaking.

No words can be written to acknowledge the number of tears that you’ve shed.

No words can be written to quieten your mind as you question things that occurred.

No words can be written to turn back time and make things pan out differently.

You’ll receive condolences, and perhaps hear similar stories of losses other people have endured. You’ll be listening and hopefully seeing the kindness, but still wonder why you don’t feel any different. 

Because while people can show sympathy, and some even empathy, no words convey the torture of losing an unborn baby. The torture of waking up and it not being a bad dream. The torture of life continuing, when the life growing inside just ended. The torture of walking around with an empty womb and a broken heart - neither visible to the people around you. 

I wish more than anything there was a fast forward button to press, or a magic wand I could wave to make the pain go away for you right now. I wish there was something that I could say that would give you all the answers you need. I wish there was a hug I could give that would bring you reassurance and peace. But I know none of this is possible. I know you are in the depths of it all and struggling to see how you’ll ever feel any differently. I know that you are not just mourning the loss of your baby, but also the loss of the life you’d already started picturing with them. I know you are angry at your body, you are confused about what happened, and you feel a unique grief that makes you sadder than you’ve ever felt before.  

You want this all to be over, but there is no way of telling how long it will take you to process losing your baby. Your feelings and emotions will fluctuate by the day because grief is not linear. I can’t tell you when things will feel better, but what I can tell you is this…

You are a mother, even without a baby in your arms. 

  You are in mourning, regardless of how long your pregnancy lasted.

  You are entitled to your feelings, no matter how confusing they are.

  You are not a failure, because of this pregnancy experience.

You are forever changed, while outwardly appearing no different.

You are strong, despite how broken you feel.  

If I could make one promise to you, it is that you will make it through this earth shattering and unjust experience. There are days ahead where your miscarriage and loss do not feel all consuming. It may not feel like it right now, but I promise you can trust me, these better days will come. 

Please know that however isolated and lonely you feel right now, you are not alone. No one else will know the unique grief you are feeling, but there are so many others who have grieved similarly. And in that company please know that you, mother, are seen. Your feelings, your pain, your questions, your anguish, your doubts, and your broken dreams - they are all seen, they are all valid, they are all understood, and you are supported.

Grief may linger in your heart for a lifetime, but your heart will not stay broken. 

Yours at this time, 

Ella xx