My Lockdown Lows & Highs

Yesterday marked one year since the first nationwide lockdown was announced in the UK. A day that I’m sure for many will be stuck prominently in our memories for a long time yet. I remember the fear of the unknown and the start of some anxiety, especially when they soon announced that pregnant women were to be included in the ‘most vulnerable’ category recommended to shield for at least 12 weeks.  The not knowing was the worst bit for me, not knowing what danger we might be in, not knowing the impact of catching the virus (on me or my unborn baby), and not know how long we’d be at risk.

According to the Babies In Lockdown report by The Parent-Infant Foundation, Home Start and Best Beginnings, in the UK 600,000 babies have been born and lived their entire life in lockdown to date. Oscar was one of the 200,000 born in the tightest lockdown (23rd March and 4th July). I know I have not been the worst affected by the global pandemic (not by a long shot), but I do feel like the timing has been incredibly unfair for me, and so much we’ve experienced just shouldn’t have been like this.

For me I was 28 weeks pregnancy when they announced the lockdown, and the week they are set to lift the final restrictions will be the week I return to work. I’m not going to lie I feel totally robbed of my maternity leave. I feel angry and upset that the pandemic negatively impacted my final months of pregnancy, it restricted my ability to surround myself with my friends and family, go shopping for baby things, and complete anything on the bucket list everyone tells you to check off before having kids.

Initially many things for me didn’t change. I usually worked from home so the only difference was having my husband, Alex, there as well. At the time I was still able to do food shopping in person (albeit at 7am when stores opened to prioritise those classed as vulnerable), and I still felt like there was time for this to all blow over before the baby arrived so I’d probably still get to go to the shops in the final weeks to get what I needed for him.  

Of course that is not how it panned out, and I ended up buying more and more online, realising my idyllic baby shopping experience was not going to be one I’d get. Thankfully we’d been eager on the pram front and managed to test them in a store in person before lockdown was a thing. But, I never got fitted for a maternity bra, even now, nine months since having Oscar, I still wear sports type nursing bras that I bought from Amazon. It shouldn’t have been like this.

I never had a baby shower in person. I was always nervous about the idea of a baby shower having lost two babies before, I wanted to just wait until Oscar was here safe and sound, so I agreed with my friends I’d do a ‘sip and see’ in the summer instead, you know…when things were back to normal. Again, this is not how it panned out, but they organised a small virtual baby shower, sent presents by post and we joined online to play games, share stories and I felt incredibly special and loved. It wasn’t what I planned, imagined, or had organised on Pinterest, but it was better than I imagined and was just what I needed at the time, but it shouldn’t have been like this.

Since having Oscar it’s not been easy either thanks to the continued restrictions and risks. My best friends have only held my baby once. The fact I don’t even have photos of one of them with him breaks my heart. We’ve not been able to meet at Bluewater and push the pram around (which I used to think was a rite of passage when you had a baby!). We’ve met for a few walks here and there, but not much else, and I miss them. I’ve not even got to meet my sister’s first baby, and her husband hasn’t met Oscar at all. They live in Ireland and the restrictions have stunted every plan we’ve made, and we’ve lost so much time we could have had together. Many of our family and friends have missed out on being part of Oscar’s life so far, he’s missed out on spending time with people who love him, and I’ve missed out on having physical support and interaction when I’ve truly struggled. It shouldn’t have been like this.

“My best friends have only held my baby once and some of my family have never met him.”

It’s no secret that I found breastfeeding one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I suffered with pain up to 16 weeks, I spoke with specialists but only on Facetime, and even paying privately for a lactation consultant when Oscar got particularly insatiable it was via Zoom and they weren’t allowed to give a definitive diagnosis. Because of COVID I wasn’t able to be seen by a tongue tie specialist until Oscar was 18 weeks old at which point he was too old to have any intervention. This wasn’t the journey I expected, or wanted. It shouldn’t have been like this.

Baby classes have been on and off or not at all. The ones we got to attend were limited numbers and socially distanced and everyone wore masks. I am so grateful that we got to attend some in person and even more grateful that they continued online so we still had something to do each week at home. I’m hoping the swimming classes I booked will finally go ahead next month, but I’m not holding my breath yet. I imagined by now we’d be on our second or even third term of swimming, but we’ve not even started. And even if they do go ahead, the new term dates will run over and clash with my return to work so I will be taking holiday days to make sure I can still take Oscar to classes. Other than seeing babies at the few classes we did manage to attend, Oscar hasn’t interacted or really seen many other children, he’s never crawled around on the floor with another baby or had the opportunity to learn to share toys. I know all they need at this young age is their parents, and the love and attention we give them, but such little exposure to other children his age is a normal experience most babies would have had by now. It shouldn’t have been like this.

“Oscar has never crawled around on the floor with another baby”

A huge impact this has had on our family is the impact on our mental health. Becoming a new mum was and still is a bigger shift than I was imagining, I’ve spent many hours and days feeling lost, lonely, helpless, and low. Becoming a new dad for Alex brought up a range of new emotions and feelings too – a new sense of responsibility and the pressure to ‘provide’ was all consuming at times. We had to support each other (all with a new born baby we were clueless about) and it took a real toll on us individually and as a couple. It was extremely tough not to be able to use a much wider support network through this period. It shouldn’t have been like this.

But of course there are plenty of wonderful blessings that have come from our lockdown experience too. I am so incredibly grateful for so many unexpected benefits, and feel truly lucky that Alex’s job and my maternity pay have not been impacted in a way that added any financial strain to our daily lives.

“I’ve been able to take my time and adjust to being a mum at a pace that felt natural and gradual.”

I’ve not been under pressure to leave the house, or to meet people. I’ve been able to take my time and adjust to being a mum at a pace that felt natural and gradual. I’m so grateful I haven’t felt the pressure to push myself and do too much, it’s protected me from overdoing things and burning out. It’s also given us the time and consistency to work through Oscar’s sleeping issues, and also to find a routine that works for us without every day being different or having to rely on naps in the car between appointments.

The gyms being shut (and pausing their fees) has also taken a bit of pressure off feeling like I should be working out or ‘bouncing back’. I’ve been able to embrace my body and appreciate what it has done, and what it is still doing 24/7 to produce milk and care for Oscar. There is a time and a place for it to return, and I’ll get back there soon I’m sure, but it’s been lovely for it to not be a priority or an issue I’ve felt guilt over.

“Lockdown has encouraged us from day one to get outside in nature and explore the local area for free.”

I’ve found some beautiful walking routes right on my doorstep that I just don’t know if I would have found had it not been the only thing we were allowed to do for so long. I will always hold very fond memories of the walks Alex and I took in my last three months of pregnancy, I was getting bigger and bigger and slower and slower. I remember the route we went on when I had Braxton hicks the whole way, and all the places I had to stop and sit down to catch my breath. Routes I now get to do with Oscar strapped to me, and routes I can’t wait for him to run and jump along as he grows up.

I’ve not been in the house alone for hours on end as would have been the case if Alex had had to return to work in London every day. Even though he’s not been with us in the same room, knowing Alex is in the house has been like an invisible safety net. Should any emergency arise (like me falling down the stairs holding Oscar, which did happen), he is right there to help, immediately. It’s also meant that Alex has been able to see and spend so much time with Oscar, he can pop downstairs to see us, we have lunch together most days, and he is here to do every bath time. I’m so grateful that he was here to see the first roll, the first crawl, the first smile…everything. The bond and memories Alex has made with Oscar are completely priceless, and we never knew he’d get them.

“...knowing Alex is in the house has been like an invisible safety net.”

I know it’s not been the case for everyone but we’ve been able to form a support bubble and it’s honestly been a life saver. It’s allowed grandparents to be physically present for Oscar, and be an incredible help for me and Alex. We’ve had our house cleaned countless times and more meals prepared for us than I care to count. I have no idea how I would have coped without this system in place, and feel very lucky we were able to take advantage of the protocol within government guidelines.

I definitely have days when I feel extremely hard done by. I’m dreading going back to work and people asking how my year ‘off’ was, and, without trying to sound incredible negative, explaining that it was almost entirely under lockdown, extremely restrictive and not at all what I wanted, imagined or planned. But for the most part I am a positive person and every day I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I’m especially grateful for the things I never expected we’d get.

I know my story is probably not that unique, tell me, how has a year of lockdown impacted you?