One Year Postpartum
I don’t know what the official length of the postpartum period, but I honestly think its forever.
I still very much think about and try and process how my body is different now. It’s been through huge change with three pregnancies and one birth, and there are many aspects that will never be the same. I’m still breastfeeding too, so my body is still not 100% my own again, it’s still a vital part of Oscar’s sustenance on a daily basis. I’m never going to be the person I was before him.
Mentally it’s been a rollercoaster that doesn’t show signs of stopping too. In fact, it feels like there has been a little crescendo as we’ve reached the one year point as there seems to suddenly be lots of things to process and deal with. All the usual things looking after a child daily, and running a house and keeping a marriage going, but also the pending childcare arrangements, as well as my own return to work and how that’s going to feel and fit into our life.
The trouble is, no-one warned me about the influx of emotions and hormones that would hit at one year postpartum. Lots of mums have asked me how I’m feeling about it when we’ve spoken, but I don’t feel like anyone really warned me about how it would feel and the types of things I’d be thinking about.
YOU’LL RELIVE YOUR BIRTH STORY
And for some reason this has been going round and round in my head for a few weeks, every last detail of Oscar’s arrival. The intensity of the contractions, the phone call to the midwives, the heat of the birthing pool, the crowning of his head. It’s all come flooding back more vivid than ever. I’m so glad it was such a positive experience to relive, as my mind seemed to ensure I recalled it 365 days later.
YOU’LL FIND NEW REASONS TO CRY
I’m an emotional person even on a good day, but this whole year I had expected Oscar to cry daily, he’s a baby after all, but didn’t know I’d cry nearly as much. As we’ve approached one year, I’ve cried for new reasons. I’ve cried at the thought of Oscar growing up. I’ve shed a tear or two holding him in my arms the night before his birthday thinking about how he’s no longer going to be my baby, but instead he’ll be my toddler. I’ve cried about what should have been, and how the year has panned out beyond our control, and what he’s missed out on.
I’ve cried about the year I’ve had too, what I’ve missed out on, and the things I couldn’t control. I’ve cried at the thought of leaving him at nursery for the first time (even though we have a couple more months before the big day), but I can’t stand the thought of him being somewhere else.
YOU’LL START TO DOUBT THINGS AND FEEL GUILTY
I’ve found myself second guessing and doubting myself so much more recently that I had been all year. I’m now worrying over the choices I’ve made about Oscar’s childcare, my new hours at work, how I get him to sleep, how much I breastfeed. I worry about how many trips and new experiences we’ve had (or not had thanks to lockdowns and restrictions).
I feel guilty I’m trying to start a transition and new routine to get everyone ready for this next stage of family life when maybe all I should be doing is soaking up all the quality 1:1 time I have left with Oscar. I feel guilt over starting to put my needs first again, getting myself ready for work again, taking a few more trips out alone to get Oscar used to other people being there instead of me.
It’s been an all-consuming year of being his everything (and he has been mine), it’s proving difficult to come to terms with how things are about to shift, and worrying it won’t be for the better.
IT’S NOT ALL BAD
Whilst the first year is the most life changing, it’s not the only year we have. I try and remind myself we have so many days, weeks and years together as a family, with Oscar as my son, to do anything we’ve not been able to do, and to fix anything I’ve not got quite right yet.
I’m excited for the next year, Oscar has grown into the cutest cheeky chap imaginable and his personality is making hanging out with him so much fun, I’m sad that I won’t be able to soak up every second now that I’ll be returning to work, but I’m also pleased that those who are helping taking care of him will have such a lovely time with him.
I’m also looking forward to all the new things he will learn to do still, obviously the development in year one is like no other, but seeing him really understand and grasp new things, and knowing he understands so much more is just magical to witness.
So it’s not all bad, but let this be a warning, the one year milestone is a big one. It’s overwhelming, it’s emotional, it’s hard. But, it’s normal.
What thoughts did you have one year postpartum?
