Can A Mother Ever ‘Have It All’?
Disclosure: I am writing from an extremely privileged position (especially considering the UK’s rising cost of childcare forcing women to leave the workforce right now), where I am financially able to afford childcare and return to work full time.
While on 'gardening leave' from my corporate job (serving my notice period paid but not working), my mum asked me if the lack of work had made me consider being a stay at home mum. In short, no. I mean yes it crossed my mind that I could look after my own child everyday of the week, but actually it's not that simple. And for full transparency throughout gardening leave my son has remained in 3-4 days child care a week. But there are two main reasons I am not a stay at home mum:
I'm actually very passionate about my career. I love what I do and I value the time I get to use my intelligence, training, experience, and creativity in the work that I do. I also enjoy having my own income and the freedom that provides, and get a huge amount of satisfaction from doing my work well.
Being the sole carer, teacher, companion, and chef to a child is a huge responsibility. I like knowing that during nursery days Oscar is exposed to age appropriate toys and games, he engages in stimulating, educational and varied activities, and a trained professional is monitoring his progress and development. All of the above is a job that I am not trained for, nor interested in doing full time if it means sacrificing the job I already have and love.
I recently met with my friend who has made the decision to be a stay at home mum, and she asked me how I do it all. I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer – I don’t feel like I have it all, let alone am I doing it all. So I guess the conversations made me wonder, am I wrong for wanting and enjoying my career, and can any mother really have it all?
The Juggle
As a mother (working or not), I think we have to accept that to ‘have it all’ actually means to ‘juggle it all’ which actually means when one or two things are in hand at least one other thing is up in the air (or dropped on the floor). I know this might be controversial but I don’t think we can ‘have it all’, but instead we can alternate between all the things in life and try to find a balance where each one has enough attention for a period of time before swapping to another. There might even be moments where everything feels like it's getting equal attention and a momentary feeling of 'having it all' might occur, but the reality is that the feeling doesn't last long because needs and workloads and life gives us plot twists that we have to accommodate.
For me, learning to be a mother has included accepting that I’m not going to excel at one particular thing in the same way I would do if it was my only focus (and let me tell you the acceptance of this in particular waivers daily). I’m a perfectionist by nature and feel very uneasy if I don’t feel like I’ve given something my all. So it’s not surprising I’ve struggled every day since having a child to feel like I’m doing enough to sate all the facets in my life. I put a lot of weight on the balls I’ve dropped, and often forget to admire the ones that I’m holding well.
Accepting that we won’t excel in anything as easily as we could before kids is a massive mind-set shift for any mother (or father). But to clarify, I’m not saying working mums (or indeed stay at home mums) can’t excel. We absolutely can. But we can’t do it without something else being dropped (momentarily).
Are Working Mothers The Villains?
Working mothers can often be or feel villainised for pursuing their career (or heaven forbid actually enjoying it!), because some people seem to think that by focusing on the career ball in this analogy means the ball that is dropped is our kids. The reality is that there are other balls in this circus! Just because we choose or need to have a job, it doesn’t mean that we are going to sacrifice time, love or attention that our children need.
“Just because we choose or need to have a job, it doesn’t mean that we are going to sacrifice time, love or attention that our children need.”
I am fulfilled by having a job, and since going back full time (and increasing Oscar’s nursery days) I am handling life and motherhood much better. It’s working for me right now. But, I accept that I’m not going to be the same kind of mum my stay at home mum friends are. Granted I might have some days where I feel like the best mum in the world, but I won’t improve at being that kind of mum at the same rate that she will, because her choice of balls to juggle means she makes incremental changes daily to be a better version of the already incredible mother she is. I simply juggle with that ball less often.
For me, behind every good mum day is the reality of the dropped ball that is my job – when I’m busy smashing it as a mum I’m not focusing on my career progression that day, and all the emails in my inbox are piling up, and I’m missing that evening call because I’ve got playdates to clean up after and bedtime to do. But just like a stay at home mum it possibly also means that on days I’ve been a brilliant mum I’ve not text someone back, or been able to prepare dinner or put the laundry away, or run that important errand, because I’ve been in full mum mode and I’ve let other balls drop.
I assure you, I don’t ‘have it all’, but by working I probably have one extra ball on the floor than a stay at home version of myself might. (Note that I compared myself to me as a stay at home mum. Every person has a different number of balls to juggle and I cannot say I have one more than every stay at home mother because that just simply isn’t true, the only difference is that one of my balls represents a job.)
Working Mum vs Stay at Home Mum
Sometimes working mums might actually feel like they do ‘have it all’ and sometimes a stay at home mum might feel the exact same despite making hugely different life choices. Having a lifestyle that allows a mother to be at home with her children every day or a lifestyle that enables a mother to fulfil her potential in a career are both legitimate views on what it is to ‘have it all’.
Being a working mum in my experience is hard. It brings a heavy extra load to the shoulders of mothers, one that often makes us feel especially guilty because there is a whole group of colleagues who are dependent on you and remind you of all the work related things you need to do via emails and calls and meetings. It’s a lot to take on when you are building a family but some of us chose to and some of us need to - and so we have to find a way to ‘do it all’ as best we can.
It might appear like we are doing it all inclusive of a job, but please don’t confuse ‘doing it all’ with ‘doing it all well, all the time’ – because that doesn’t happen either.
“Please don’t confuse ‘doing it all’ with ‘doing it all well, all the time’ – because that doesn’t happen either. ”
Here is the real difference though, and it’s not between working and non-working mums. My ‘all’ is different from your ‘all’ - that is what we have to find peace and acceptance in. That is how I stop comparing myself so negatively to mums I meet. So I’ll repeat that…My ‘all’ is different to yours. And that is ok.
Stay at home mums aren’t automatically able to keep a tidy house, raise well rounded children, find time for fitness and self-care, make perfect dinners, remember all the birthdays, make all the appointments… just because they don’t have a corporate job.
Neither option is easy.
Both come with challenges and internal feelings of failure and guilt.
Both come with sacrifice.
Stay at home mums can’t always do it all, and working mums don’t always have it all. And we must stop seeing each other like this. Neither one of us is superior. Neither one of us has chosen the easier or better option. We are just juggling a different set of balls.
“My ‘all’ is different to yours. And that is ok.”
The Real Secret To Having It All
To ‘have it all’ actually means to be at peace with what you are sacrificing each time you prioritise something else in your life. Knowing that by focusing or indeed excelling at one thing, can still mean you are doing enough in the other places – the balls might be on the floor but they are ok to be picked up again later. The aim is to find peace in the reality that we cannot (and it is humanly impossible for anyone to) excel in more than a couple of aspects in your life at one time.
And whether you are a stay at home mum or a working mum (or indeed father), this is what it comes down to. We are all sacrificing something when we focus on something else. Which makes me wonder if this isn’t really a mother related or even a gender related issue at all. Surely no human can excel in one thing without neglecting a bunch of other things. No one ‘has it all’ whether you have 6 kids in tow or are living life child free. We all just have to pick our priorities, be at peace with them, and stop comparing ourselves to someone who has a completely different set of priorities and abilities. And we should certainly not criticise ourselves or someone else whose priorities don’t match our own. You don’t need to understand why someone else chooses to focus on something you wouldn’t, don’t or can’t - you just have to support them in their choice. Cheer them on for every success, and support them without judgement, whenever they need it.
My journey is not her journey. And hers is not mine. We cannot compare ourselves to people who have different (and just as valid) priorities. Instead we will support and love each other in our choices and struggles and successes. And that is the sign of a good friendship, one that I treasure.
We are all sacrificing, we are all juggling, but let it be known that we are all doing enough.
