My Breastfeeding Journey: Getting Started

The irony is not lost on me, that as we close out World Breastfeeding Week 2022 Oscar and I are actually closing our entire breastfeeding journey completely. It’s been 787 days (approx. 2 years 2months), and I honestly can’t believe we made it this far and enjoyed so many feeds. But to reach this point it has been quite the journey.

Let’s start at the beginning.

The first few days were far from dreamy. After my idyllic homebirth, the midwives had to leave and while Oscar had appeared to latch on whilst we were in the pool immediately after birth, after I got out and had my stitches I couldn’t get him on again. The midwife said she’d be back later in the afternoon to check on me and see if we’d made any progress. We hadn’t. Her afternoon visit was short and sweet, but not helpful with regards to establishing feeding, and she just told me to ‘keep going’. Another midwife came the following day but by this point Oscar wasn’t really rousing or staying awake long enough to feed for long periods of time and I was getting more worried. I was reassured again that I was doing all the right things, but I knew it wasn’t happening, he was just so sleepy and I knew it was getting worse.

The next day I noticed a tiny blotch of red in his wet nappy and worked out (thanks to Dr Google) that it was a sign of dehydration. I was getting frustrated and desperate now. I was a brand new mum, alone at home with a brand new baby (and a husband who was a brand new father) – the three of us were totally clueless and without a guide. It was lockdown – the first and hardest one – and there simply wasn’t any access to anyone who could physically be with us to get our journey properly started.

We tried our best, lots of skin to skin time, I stayed hydrated, I offered every time he cried, but it wasn’t until the second day after he was born when we had our family bubble round that we managed a proper feed. It took my one person to hold a fan on Oscar (it was Summer), and another twiddling his feet to keep him awake, and me trying to get my boob and his mouth aligned for a good latch. We did it and it was such a sense of relief. There were so many new feelings and sensations and emotions going on, but mostly relief that I was feeding him, and he was getting what he needed, finally.

I had my 5 day midwife check up at the hospital a few days later (alone) and I asked again about trying to improve Oscar’s latch as it was feeling painful at times and he kept falling asleep when feeding. Of course, when I went to show her, Oscar latched like a text book baby and my milk was spraying all over the place so she said we were fine, he was latching and my milk was definitely in.

But the pain didn’t ease, and not every latch was good. In fact the pain was excruciating. I remember thinking I’d happily give birth over and over compared to the pain of breastfeeding. Tears would roll down my face at the start of every feed, I’d grit my teeth and beg for it to be over, and what made it worse was Oscar seemed to be the hungriest baby known to man. In hindsight it was possibly that he wasn’t getting enough milk each time he fed so needed to do it more often, which then became a perpetuating cycle of feeding and pain. I tried savoy cabbage leaves in my bra to sooth my nipples, and a variety of creams and balms (the best one was one my cousin posted me from Germany), and resorted to using nipple guards a couple of times too (which were a total blessing).

But the feeding was relentless. Some days I’d feel like I’d been feeding him all night and all day, and yet he was still hungry every hour or less. So I started using ready mixed formula for the occasional feed in desperation (and then instantly felt like I was failing). I knew it wasn’t a crime to use formula, and I knew I didn’t judge anyone else for wanting or needing to use it, but I gave myself an incredibly hard time internally every time I ‘resorted’ to it instead of offering my own milk. Even though I had tried, and even though I was in pain, I was so upset with myself that it wasn’t coming naturally and easily. What was I doing wrong?

A week later I eventually mastered laying down feeding which was a total game changer because it eased some of the pain (and helped in the hot summer days when holding a new born 24/7 can get everyone rather sweaty). It made night feeding a lot easier too as I felt I was resting to some extent compared to having to be upright so often in the night.

At Oscar’s 10 day appointment he still hadn’t quite put back on his birthweight (which as I recall all of this now is not exactly surprising). But he wasn’t far off so they didn’t seem concerned, but wanted me back at day 12 to check again. Coincidently, on day 10 I also had my first health visitor appointment (by phone of course), and I mentioned that he’d not made his birth weight yet. The lady was very nice and said she could find someone in her team who was still willing to make face to face appointments at home for new mothers and that she’d come and weigh Oscar every week for a while. I was so grateful I was going to see someone in person, she wasn’t a feeding specialist, but my goodness I needed a real life person to see us.

By day 12 Oscar had made his birthweight plus a bit extra and I finally gave myself a bit of praise that I’d achieved something. But the pain was not easing, the initial latch was still unimaginable but I just kept going. Hoping it would ease, hoping Oscar would learn to latch better, hoping I’d work out the right position. I called the local NHS breastfeed helpline, of course I couldn’t be seen in person thanks to lockdown, and FaceTime can only do so much. They recommended trying some other positions, but without someone being there to coach and help physically we didn’t have much luck finding anything that resolved the issue.

Oscar was feeding so frequently (day and night) I started getting a surplus supply of milk, so with the pain of engorgement, and the pain of feeding I began to express after about 2 weeks. It’s earlier than they recommend but it was definitely the right thing for me. It meant I had my own milk I could feed Oscar by bottle (and save myself the pain of one feed a day), and it reduced the pain of engorgement too. But whilst this was helping in a few ways, it still wasn’t solving the underlying issue. The health visitor kept reassuring me we were still doing the right things, and as he got bigger he’d be able to open wider and it would all be less painful, and being a first time mum, I trusted her. So I persevered with painful feeds, thankfully not every time, and thankfully it was only really the initial latch and suck, but it was still far more pain than I knew I should be feeling.

A few more weeks went by and as things weren’t improving I started worrying it was tongue tie that hadn’t been diagnosed. I noticed a few other symptoms, like noisy feeding, and milk spilling from the other corner of his mouth. At 10 weeks old, and with lockdown lifting, we went away with our family bubble for a week. A week when Oscar was insatiable. I’d spend 40 mins+ feeding him before we went out, and within 20mins of being out he’d be screaming to be fed again. I fed him in the weirdest places and felt like I was getting to breaking point. It was on that holiday that I finally bought some formula powder to make up, and with the support of my husband and family I accepted that some feeds from here on would be formula – it was right for him and for me.

Being away also gave me the perspective and time to be able to look into a private lactation specialist. Once again I couldn’t be seen in person, but it was a good consultation and I sent videos of us feeding, and she diagnosed a suspected tongue tie (albeit unofficial because she couldn’t see him in person to look and feel). It was a relief to finally have an ‘official’ answer, and the confidence to advocate for more help. I contacted my health visitor immediately with the same videos and pictures and description of all the symptoms we had and she agreed there was more than enough for an official referral! It took another 8 weeks to get an appointment though, and by the time we were seen Oscar was 18 weeks old and actually the pain had finally subsided. We’d pushed through an extended period of time of incredible pain, but finally got to a place where feeding was enjoyable. We’d both learnt (albeit the long painful way) to work together and Oscar was getting enough at each feed - in fact he was gaining weight and jumping up percentiles like a warrior.

At the referral appointment (in person!), they helped refine my posture and position a little bit, and agreed there was mild tongue tie they could see - a connection about midway back but the frenulum was stretching enough he still had enough motion and flexibility. They also said my let down was quite fast so the noise we’d been experience could also have been him trying to slow the flow a bit too. Since the pain had diminished they were reluctant to do any procedure because we could be back at square one learning how to feed all over again – and that was the last thing I needed! I was so happy. Not only had we made it to a point where there wasn’t any pain (through sheer determination and perseverance), I also finally had a diagnosis that explained it all. We remained combi feeding (and expressing once a day) for a long time after – it was a mix that worked for us.

It was so far from the initial journey I wanted, and quite frankly it was a long way off what I deserved too. I was unlucky there were no drop in help sessions, no weigh in café’s, and no face to face appointments until it was too late. I’m unlucky that the system failed us because it was pushed to the brink by a raging pandemic. But with external factors way beyond my control, I’m just proud we did persist because ahead of us were another (almost) 2 years of pain free feeds that I will truly treasure.

I read somewhere not to give up on a bad day, and that honestly kept me going – the pain free feeds were incredible, and I knew I wanted to keep working on making them all feel that good. But it was hard, really hard, and so much harder than I realised it could be when I was sat in my online NCT class learning about feeding through a laptop.

Part of me thinks I should have stopped trying in those first couple of months - and I don’t think anyone would blame me. I could have allowed myself the grace to bow out of breastfeeding when I was at breaking point. The pain wasn’t something I should have had to experience at all, let along for the length of time I did. I should have been kinder to myself about needing to combi feed, and taken the pressure off needing to be the one to produce as much of the milk as possible. That said, I’m really mixed about it, because if I’d stopped back then, while I would have felt better sooner, my journey would have been almost entirely negative.

I am glad I persisted, and I am proud of what we achieved. It was not easy, but we made it through those first few weeks, and on to the next stage of our journey...