Reflecting on My Gardening Leave
I’ve just finished my gardening leave and am starting a new job tomorrow. For anyone that is unfamiliar with the term, ‘gardening leave’ is when you serve your notice period without actually working it - so you get paid for the duration but are not able to work in your parting role usually due to the nature of your new job i.e moving to a competitor. So for the past 9 weeks I have been in the fortunate position of being paid by my previous employer but not starting my new job either.
Nine Weeks Off Work
Nine weeks sounds like an enormous amount of time, I can’t deny it, but I can tell you now it really did fly by. On paper it sounds amazing, my mind ran wild with the thought of how many lazy days I’d have and all the freedom to do whatever I pleased - surely I’d be bored before it was over and have definitely run out of things to do?! The reality was that while Oscar remained in nursery 3 days a week, and family have helped an extra day more often than not, it’s not like I suddenly had 9 weeks solid completely to myself without anything to do. I had all of the usual life admin, house stuff, parenting, wifeing, and general chores I’d never had time for that all had to be done - I was just now able to do them child free, or choose to use that time to do things from my own wish list.
I’m not one to complain, and I’m well aware that having gardening leave like this is a blessing I hadn’t really expected, but I have to say I’m frustrated at how the time panned out. Here is a summary of what happened each week:
Week 1: Family holiday to Greece, first time taking Oscar on a plane, and a well needed hot holiday for us all
Week 2: Extra bank holiday (Queen’s funeral), and Alex was home feeling unwell so a weird week all a bit out of sorts
Week 3 + 4: I got what Alex had and felt significantly under the weather and unable to move for quite a few days and had to cancel plans I had
Week 5 + 6: I got a cold that would not shift that turned into a cough so I wasn’t sleeping well and had to prioritise more rest to fully recover
Week 7: the first week feeling ‘normal’ and productive again until Oscar got sent home from nursery on Friday so my day was cut short
Week 8: Oscar was sent home from nursery on Monday, and I kept him off Tuesday, no family help Wednesday so it was full time parenting all week
Week 9: Back to back trip to centerparcs with the in-laws and a break to Dublin to visit family
On reflection, nine weeks was never going to feel like enough time to do everything I wanted to get done. Instead I can look back and be grateful I had the time to do so many things I’d wanted to complete, and remind myself that starting a new job doesn’t mean I’m never going to have time to do the things left on my list.
Getting ill for a month
The most unexpected and most infuriating thing about my leave was being ill for 4 weeks out of 9. I never usually get ‘that’ ill, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve felt bed-bound by an illness, and have never needed more than a week to get over anything, so I was quite disheartened when back to back illnesses left me lacking energy and ability to function normally for an entire month.
I did a bit of research though and it’s not exactly surprising. It’s called the ‘Let-Down Effect’, when you are under emotional or physical stress your body copes by activating increased levels of certain hormones to get you through. But after a stressful period has passed (for me this was leaving my job), the body’s systems will return to a state of normality, including a down-regulation of your immune system - hence the onslaught of illnesses you can get the moment you take time off. Feel free to read more about it in this huffpost article, or on yourwellspace.
On reflection, feeling unwell for so long was the most humbling part of my gardening leave. It forced me to rest and to acknowledge that perhaps my previous job was causing me to live in a higher state of stress than I recognised. I worked on not feeling guilty for the rest my body needed to recover, and I know moving forward my health (both mental and physical) are paramount to any job. I know I need to use my holiday entitlement before I’m desperate for a break, and to also unwind and plan handovers and deadlines in advance from any time off so I’m not overworking in the run up to any vacation days I want to enjoy. I will listen to my body, nurture it and look after it - and not feel guilty in doing so!
New priorities
The time I had without working allowed me to gain some perspective. After 12 years working at my last company I left with nothing. I had plenty of lovely messages from those I emailed to explain I was leaving, but no gift, no flowers, no leaving drinks, nothing except a card from my manager she sent directly to my home a few days later. I work with a virtual team for the most part so a big farewell party wasn’t ever likely, but I have been dealing with a bit of heartbreak that I loved my job and my team so much and yet clearly the depth of feeling wasn’t quite reciprocated. I’m not saying this for sympathy or to call anyone out, I genuinely still hold my ex-colleagues in the highest regard and will be forever grateful for all they taught me. But the empty handed departure meant I’ve spent my gardening leave processing some bitterness and looking at what it taught me.
I feel like I have given that company my best years to date, some of my best work, and my best efforts continually. I know I worked above and beyond on numerous occasions, I met deadlines, developed creative ideas, embraced team spirit, and worked my hardest to contribute to the company goals. I have always raved about working there and felt many a time I could be a ‘lifer’ spending my whole career at the same company - I don’t think I could have been more personally invested in a job if I tried. But at the end of the day I left and got nothing in return for over a decade of effort and loyalty.
I get it, I was going to a competitor, it’s not like that is something they want to sing and dance about, but I thought on a human level someone might have put more personal thought into my departure beyond what my handover notes looked like. But I see it as a lesson. On reflection I learnt that it was just a job. A job a loved and I don’t regret giving the effort and time I did, but at the end of the day it was just a job and I was certainly seen as ‘just an employee’. Starting at a new company next week I want to remember that whilst I might equally love my new team, find the role incredibly fulfilling, and feel like the company culture aligns well with me, it is just a job.
This is hard for me to get my head around. I have loved my job, and I love my career, and I’m incredibly proud to be starting a new position that reflects my abilities and experience to date. I don’t think this will change. My career will always be an important part of my life and will continue to define me in many ways, but the time I’ve had off has enabled me to tap back into the other aspects of me that I love and enjoy too.
Most obviously I’ve been able to spend more quality time with Oscar, I’ve felt refreshed for our days together, not burnt out by the weekend, and haven’t felt stretched trying to juggle it all. I’ve been able to cook more meals and enjoy the process (now with a freezer full of home cooked dinners I can defrost and reheat after work in a jiffy). I’ve been able to plan more thoughtful things for my husband and family, I’ve remembered birthdays more consistently and I’ve had more dedicated time to catch up with friends. These things are important to me and I know that even with starting a new job I want to prioritise these in my life to make things feel more balanced.
I need more time off
I know technically I’ve just had 9 weeks off, I’m not ungrateful for what I had but it wasn’t enough. I’m not sure what amount would ever be enough really but I think this was the ultimate reflection.
Time off, or at least time out, is important for me. I don’t know if it’s just in the wake of lockdowns when we were always home together, or feeling touched out daily by a rambunctious toddler but my gardening leave has made me value time to myself. I’ve really enjoyed having an empty house with no one needing me, no one talking to me, and no one to answer to. I am now confident in saying that I am the type of person who needs a decent amount of alone time to recharge and be able to come back into my family as a more present, more engaged, happier and calmer person.
On reflection I have always struggled with taking ‘me time’. Many mothers struggle with the guilt of it, but also with the planning it can take to even grab a few minutes alone. And I’m not talking about doing the food shopping alone, I mean doing something alone that is something I want to do, something that is just for me. The time off I’ve had over the past few weeks has been long overdue, but it has also cemented the fact I need to make ‘alone time’ happen on a regular basis. I know (and I think my family has seen) I’m a much nicer person when I’ve had a break, so from now on it should be a non-negotiable.
I feel incredibly lucky I can start my new job feeling less burnt out, and having defined my boundaries. I know that a new job comes with a lot of ‘first impressions’ to make and I will be torn between starting how I mean to go on, and proving myself as a good hire. However my new job pans out I hope I can re read this blog and remember what my priorities are, and give myself grace and forgiveness if I get swept up in all the new demands of a new manager, team and company.
Wish me luck!
